Saleh in His Own Words

All the news media is talking about whether I, President Ali Abdullah Saleh, will return to Yemen. My response? Do you think I would WANT to go back to that hell hole. I mean, come on, we're fast on our way to becoming the first country to run out of water (and no I don't mean because we left our bathtubs running for too long) and the entire population is addicted to qat. Have you ever tried to talk to someone high on qat? It's like talking to someone who is high on qat. Can you imagine ruling over a bunch of addicts? It's tough. But I just make sure they have enough qat to chew and it makes my job a lot easier.

Back to my current condition. Well yeah, I got a bit hurt. But to be honest, God must have been watching out for me because I was looking for an excuse to leave the country. Yes, of course I could have signed the GCC's offer to "hand over power." But what does that mean? I mean power isn't like a baton, this isn't a relay race. No self-respecting dictator, I mean president, would just up and flee the country. I truly deserve to give the Yemeni people more than that.

Which is why I'm so glad that I was hurt in the attack on my mosque. First, who couldn't be sympathetic to a guy who got shrapnel in his neck while praying? See, I was prostrating before God and God answered my prayers. You're probably thinking it's a bit crazy for me to be glad that I got injured but it gave me an excuse to flee, I mean leave, to Saudi Arabia to treat my injuries (no person who wants to come out alive would actually go to a Yemeni hospital - have you ever BEEN in one? you might come out with one less organ!). And now I have the perfect excuse to not go back - Yemen probably won't let me.

Of course I'm not telling anyone that I have no intention of going back, or that I have been praying for a way out. But I will negotiate with my dear friends the Saudis for my settlement bonus. Or I guess re-settlement bonus. There is no better friend to a dictator than a bigger dictator scared of it's faltering neighbor dictator. The Saudis are good to us ex (or soon to be ex) dictators. They get it. You let the people think they have power and then poof! Away your power goes.

I always knew if it came to this I could pull the arm of one of my friends like America or Europe. You think I fought Al Qaeda because I cared whether they were "terrorists?" How seriously can you really take a bunch of guys who hide out in the desert anyway? If it makes America happy for me to put on a little show of being all "ohhh the terrorist threat is soooo bad, ooooooh I'm scaaaaaared" then, whatevs.

This Saudi hospital really isn't bad. In hindsight I guess I could have gotten some money from them to build a hospital like this in Yemen. But then I wouldn't be able to come to Saudi. I guess it all works out in the end.

yemen, middle+east, arab+spring, islam, Saudi+Arabia